How to Stop Negative Thinking

“You need to get it together.”
“You’re a bad mother.”
“You should be doing more.”

They sound like the words of a cruel stepmother or bitter aunt, trying to whip a young woman into shape. They reek of judgment, disapproval, and disgust. Over time, these words take a toll, creating the guilt and shame that pave a way for depression and anxiety. Sadly enough, for many ambitious women with high aspirations, this is not the voice of a disapproving mother or cruel authority figure. It is the voice of their own unhealthy, self-abusive thoughts. Therapists refer to these thoughts as “cognitive distortions.”

Cognitive distortions or “thinking errors” are what keep many of us feeling bad about ourselves and our lives. They are negatively skewed thoughts and beliefs that create a distorted sense of who we are and how we fit into the world. Rather than motivating us to achieve, cognitive distortions can drain us of the energy and hope that we need to push forward.

Below are common distortions that plague ambitious individuals.

1- Black or white thinking

This form of negative thinking latches onto extremes and leaves out all of the gray middle ground. Very few things in life are completely one way or the other. When we think in extremes, we make inaccurate assessments. We either completely miss out on the positive because we’re so focused on the negative extreme OR we apply tremendous amount of pressure to perform within a very narrow set of parameters. Always, never, perfect, terrible, and ruined are words commonly associated with black or white thinking.

Examples of black or white thinking:
“If I can’t get it all done, there’s no need to start.”

 

“If it’s not perfect, there’s no point in trying.”

“I can’t do anything right.”
“The whole things is a mess. From start to finish.”

2-Personalization

This form of thinking internalizes the behavior of others and generally attributes this behavior to some personal deficit. Individuals who engage in this cognitive distortion believe that everything others do or say is some sort of direct, personal response to them. They often blame themselves for external circumstances outside of their control.

Examples of personalization:
“It’s my fault mom and dad are getting a divorce.”
“My boss is always so serious.”
“She must not really like me.”

 

3- Catastrophizing

This form of thinking assumes that the worst possible outcome will happen. When we catastrophize we intensify our emotions by imagining and believing that the worst case scenario will happen. Most often when we catastrophize, the worst possible outcome does not happen; yet we have likely exhausted a great deal of valuable energy ruminating on what we fear the most. Catastrophizing is a breeding ground for anxiety and stress.

Examples of Catastrophizing:
“I was late handing in my proposal today. I’m probably going to get fired.”
“The pilot says there will be turbulence. What if we crash?”

4- Labeling

This distortion labels people based on their behaviors or mistakes. As humans, we often place permanent labels on ourselves based off of our current performance. While it may seem accurate that our behaviors are a reflection of who we are, in actuality, our identity is so much bigger than our temporary capabilities. Imagine if Walt Disney had labeled himself as “boring” or “untalented” because he was fired from a newspaper for “not being creative enough”. It’s possible that his work at that time was not creative enough for that particular paper. However, it would have been a tremendous mistake from him to turn that performance into a label about himself.

Examples of Labeling

“I failed my math test; therefore, I’m a failure.”
My daughter made such a mess today while finishing her project. She’s so messy.”

We all engage in distorted thinking at various points in our lives, so don’t feel bad if you find that you, too, have fallen victim to some of these thoughts. Awareness is the first step in change. Once you have become more aware of your own faulty thinking, you can begin to correct yourself and improve how you feel. If you can catch yourself in the distortion, choose not to believe whatever it’s telling you. Consider an alternative possibility. The more you catch yourself, the better you will feel.