If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably worn your perfectionism like a badge of an honor. You cite it as the reason why you excel. You use it for job interviews during the inevitable “what’s you greatest weakness” question, knowing that when it comes to doing a job well, being a perfectionist is usually a good thing.

But has your perfectionism ever gotten in your way?

Have you ever lost an opportunity because you needed to “get it just right” and consequently missed a small window? Perhaps you’ve unwittingly expected perfection in a spouse and caused contention in your relationship. Or maybe perfectionist standards for yourself have caused you to berate yourself for falling short. You find it difficult to be happy when things aren’t “just so.”

On the surface, perfectionism is a great thing. It pushes it’s victim to excel and outperform. It demands the best and does not settle. It typically leads to achievement and success. However, unbridled perfectionism is like a wild bull. It wreaks havoc for everything in its wake.

Many perfectionists struggle with anxiety and stress related disorders. In my private practice, I notice that the worry and guilt induced by pressure to achieve perfection often manifests in physical distress for my clients. Headaches, digestive issues, high blood pressure, and panic attacks can accompany this way of being.

One of the worst aspects of perfectionism is how it can steal it’s victim’s joy.

As a child, when our family would go on vacation, we learned to expect that my mother would request at least one change (if not two or three) in our hotel room. She wanted the nicest, cleanest, and most comfortable room within our selected size range. If none of the rooms met her expectations, she would request an upgrade or a transfer to a sister hotel of better quality. It used to drive me crazy back then. Now I understand that she wasn’t trying to be difficult. She sincerely could not feel comfortable in a room that was not perfect.

As I grew older and began to plan my own vacations, I took notes from my mother. I prided myself on being able to find the best accommodations and did not want to settle for less. However, as I began to deal with my own perfectionist ways, I began to question my desire for the absolute best of everything.

Perfectionisms leads to lost time.

I took note of how much time we missed out on while changing from room to room. On vacation, every second is valuable. I’d much prefer to spend my time catching sun on the beach, than lugging bags from room to room.

Perfectionism barricades happiness.

I also noticed perfectionism makes it difficult to be happy with the ordinary. Going on vacation became a quest to find the perfect accommodations. If the hotel wasn’t perfect, I found it difficult to be happy, despite being in an awesome new city with countless treasures to uncover.

Perfectionism is rarely ever satisfied.

Once an individual reaches one level of progress, the standard then changes to another. Because few (if any) things in life can actually be perfect, there is an unrelenting cycle of striving that eventually becomes exhausting.

So what a person to do with their perfectionist ways? Do you stop striving for the best and start being more careless? Do you settle?

Absolutely not.

As my grandmother would say, “You don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” This is the southern way of saying “don’t discard what’s valuable because of a little messiness.” Only discard what you no longer need.

There are aspects of your perfectionism that serve you. If you’re a surgeon, a police officer, or even an event planner, the details matter and you need to get them just right. If you live alone, having every dish, pillow, and appliance in its proper place probably gives you joy. There’s no need to change that.

However, where ever your perfectionism is no longer serving you, it’s time to let it go. 

It may take you some time and introspection to determine where it truly matters to strive for higher and higher levels of excellence.  However, know that there are few thing that are worth the guilt and energy it requires to operate in perfection ALL OF THE TIME. It’s just not possible

A better goal is to give your absolute best as often as you can AND (here’s the real tip) be compassionate with yourself when you fall short.  You’re human and will inevitably fall short of perfection.  Begin to accept and embrace that now.  When you’re tempted to berate yourself  (and those around you) for falling short, remember that you are human, imperfect, and still deserving of compassion and grace.

Another goal is to work towards being more carefree.  Being carefree is different than being careless.  Carefree implies being at peace, while careless implies negligence and lacking attention.

If you’re a mother who prefers a perfect household, learn to become ok with a little chaos and mess. Your perfect home may have brought you joy before your children, but now the standard no longer serves you.  Give yourself and your family  grace when you’re tempted to have a meltdown about the state of your home.

If you’re a student or professional with  endless projects to meet, learn to be a peace with your best effort.  Strive to be on time.  Pay close attention, giving your best effort, and then release your work into the world.  When you begin to agonize and ruminate over potential changes, it’s time to let go.  Perfectionism is trying to creep in.

Learn to put joy and life in front of perfection.  Work towards being comfortable in imperfect circumstances.  Allow  family over last minute, even if your floors need to be mopped.  Go on the date, in spite of the pimple.  Keep the hotel room, even if the carpet has a few rips – I can assure you, you’ll be fine!

About the Author: Kaity Rodriguez, MSW, LCSW is the founder and director of Serenity Wellness and Therapy Services, located in Fairfield NJ.  The practice was founded to be a haven for anxious perfectionists, stress-out high achievers, and  those who struggle with self-esteem and confidence challenges.